Oprah Winfrey Opens Church, Founds Religion
Talk-show host Oprah Winfrey today celebrated the opening of her first church and the founding of her new religion, titled O, The Oprah Religion. The multi-tasking Oprah will serve as pontiff and deity for both.
“Expanding on Her enormously successful enterprises in television, film, the web, and Her magazine, Oprah Winfrey brings Her positive, motivational spirit to one of the most highly anticipated new religions since Scientology,” explained spokesperson and new Archbishop for the church, Gayle King, in a press conference in Chicago today.
“O, The Oprah Religion gives confident, smart women the tools they need to explore and reach for their dreams, to express their individual style, and to make choices that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling afterlife.”
“In addition, we’ve eliminated the regressive prohibitions – such as those against shrimp, clothing made of mixed fibers, and premarital sex – that older, outmoded religions still cling to, but which no longer fit in with the lifestyles of their congregations. In fact, Oprah loves to share a shrimp cocktail with her live-in life partner while wearing stretch-wool slacks! Now, with O, The Oprah Religion, you can do the same, and without the threat of everlasting damnation!”
King went on, “O, The Oprah Religion, has all the comforts of a traditional belief system, but combined with the uplifting spirit of Oprah, so that anyone from a religious background will still feel at home when they convert the new traditions of O, The Oprah Religion.”
“For example, instead of a spring fertility festival like Easter or Passover, with O, The Oprah Religion, you’ll celebrate the abundance of Oprah with Her spring holiday Oprah’s Favorite Things, which is observed during the second week of spring sweeps. During this holiday, believers smear the blood of a freshly slaughtered lamb on their television, and in the middle of the day the Holy Spirit of Oprah visits all supplicants and showers them with cashmere pajamas, gourmet chocolates, and Gladware”
“It doesn’t stop there!” added Archbishop King. “The Catholic tradition of confession has been incorporated into O, The Oprah Religion, but with a twist: confession occurs just once per lifetime, is syndicated nationally, and is officiated over by Oprah herself. Since Oprah serves as both pontiff and God in human form, penance is unnecessary, forgiveness is guaranteed, and it’s all done without the use of an intercessor! Verily I say unto thee: O, The Oprah Religion empowers all women with the tools for their own salvation! Praise be!”
Though Winfrey herself officiated over the opening ceremonies for the First Church Of Oprah, Savior, located on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile, O, The Oprah Religion does not require or even encourage Church attendance. Instead, believers are urged to stay home and watch services on their televisions. Regular broadcasts will be held every weekday at 11am. An additional service is planned for the most devout, to be called Oprah, After The Service.
Following her introductory remarks, Archbishop King spread her hands to the heavens, and Oprah herself appeared in the sky overhead, swathed in blindingly white robes and a pair of black leather knee-high boots with stiletto heels. Before Her, a mixed crowd of pre- and post-menopausal women shrieked in excitement, weeping openly at the heavenly vision. Several attendees were so overcome that they collapsed in pools of their own urine.
“Blessed are all who come before Me,” intoned Oprah after floating down to the podium, “and Blessed are all women who come to terms with things! Blessed also is this interesting hand-carved pepper mill; it is one of My Favorite Things! There’s one in each of your gift bags!”
With a flourish of trumpets from an unseen orchestra, production assistants scurried through the crowd, handing out gift bags to all and dispensing Egyptian cotton towels to the women who had wet themselves.
“Blessed is My church, enter ye now and view My services on the giant screen flat-panel Sony television within!” Continued Oprah, “Look within yourself, for you can overcome all obstacles when you believeth in yourself! Look also within your gift bag, as you all get a certificate for a free flat-panel Sony television of thine own!”
With a gesture from Her hands, the doors to the church swept open, and the crowds rushed forth to enter the church as an ivory chariot descended from the sky, whisking Oprah away to her apartment.
“Peace be with you! Praise be to Me!” she yelled as she drove out of sight.
In addition to Oprah’s Favorite Things, other holidays planned for the religion include The Feast Of The Assumption Of Maya Angelou, celebrated each summer with a poetry reading and live bird release, and the month-long Stedmanadon in the fall. Following similar marketing plans by the Kabbalah Center, a line of scented candles in the works, tentatively titled O, The Oprah-scented Candle, though plans for bottled water have been cancelled due to legal problems with Cirque Du Soleil.
Source: Davis McDavis
http://davismcdavis.xanga.com/197822930/oprah-winfrey-opens-church-founds-religion/
How are the mighty fallen Oprah this is d beginning of your downfall expect u repent of ur sins and accept Jesus as your lord and personal saviour your life will never be d same how did u allow saran to use u.this is a big shame to u instead of u to work for God Almighty u ve decided to work for satan am sorry for u
How are the mighty fallen Oprah this is d beginning of your downfall expect u repent of ur sins and accept Jesus as your lord and personal saviour your life will never be d same how did u allow satan to use u.this is a big shame to u instead of u to work for God Almighty u ve decided to work for satan am sorry for u
oprah I think you have gone insane, your success has really gone into your head so u now think of yourself as God. May God forgive you for you know not what you’re doing.
Am guessing this is some sick joke!!?
at abt 15 to 20yrs my greatest desire was 2 meet with oprah winfrey, i even sent her a mail as to if she ever comes to africa she should hook me up. but in recent times and now that i have more understanding i dont need to meet u again, i dont even watch your shows anymore, u seem to have taken the glory to be yours.
2 bad oprah u had to tilt your calling. you still remein a great woman though
Have a turn around every one.., all these are signs of end time
This is absolute nonsense. Is she equating herself with GOD?
This is the beginning of the end for Oprah. She will die like Nero except she genuinely repents of her blasphemy.
There cannot be any other GOD except GOD the Almighty.
its a lie,i absolutely refuse to believe this,doesnt make one lick of sense. oprah a GOD,whoever thought of this rubbish is demented and i dont mean that in a nice way.
People. This article was a joke written by a man called davis mcdavis.
This is the original article:
http://davismcdavis.xanga.com/197822930/oprah-winfrey-opens-church-founds-religion/
It is a joke by a man who writes jokes for a living. There is no church of oprah.
Africans. You are so easily decieved. Those responding to oprah on this site make me especially sad.
Africans are so quick to quote scripture and complain about religion that they don’t even bother to crosscheck anything.
Come on people,live a little! This is obviously a joke!
pls,i understand oprahs desire to affect every young female mind positively,but lets not forget that this act is blasphemous by nature.pontiff no leader ok
@ “I weep for africa”, I don’t know from what race you are, but people are generally easy to decieve. No need pointing fingers or critisizing pls. It’s offensive. I think you can make your point quite clear without making anyone feel bad.
It is now official Oprah has gone MAD!! Lol! May God save you,cz u r indeed a lost soul!
Am no christian n ma religion islam tells me
“He is God, the One and Only.
God the Eternal,Absolute.
He begot not,nor is He begotten
And there is none like Him”
(Qur’an 112:1-4)
So she should repent before is too late!
Oprah na fool!
U had beta run to God n ask for forgivness b4 its too late.fool
Who
so eva dat said africans ar easly decived ar nt serious who do u tink or take us 4?beta hav a retink wwe ar nt fool?vvv
Oprah deserves guidance nd consellin…
Fame..wealth…power…immortality?…she’s finally lost it and doesn’t even realize it!!!!
I pity her soul na hell fire, the wealth GOD gave her is getting to her brains no wonder its written in the bible (proverb30 7-9) may GOD deliver her soul.
Oprah nah!
So I tot dis was a sick joke, but it turned out to be true. Surely, d anti-christ we tot was going to be a man, turned out to be a woman.the end is at hand. Lord have mercy
looooooooooooooool…what a religion…O abi…a ya e ni photo…twud do oprah like film trick…always suspected there was rily more to ths chick….well..can’t say nythn to her…just to u readin ths…n to u who thinks O is d way…fucking sersly…a woman who bleeds 4 some days in a month calls herself god n can fix ur life heh…njoy….
If oprah decides to be a god,its her business,she’s d one dat wud burn in d lake of fire in hell……dunno why evryone is bothered,kmt
Trust in the Lord God with all your heart, do not depend on your understanding. Seek His will in all you do & He will show you which path to take. Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom, instead fear (reverence, submit, respect, exalt) the Lord God and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body & strength for your bones. Honour the Lord with your wealth and the best part of everything you produce. Proverbs 3:5-9(NLT).
It is no joke. D endtyms r @ hand! Everyone shud leave oprah n focus on demselves cos where she’ll end up 4 dis is dsame place u’ll end up 4 ‘little’ sins such as lying!!!
Fuck oprah
let’s do a research. If its true for any reason, Then we hand her case over to God. Shekena.
JESUS IS THE KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS…NO CONTROVERSIES AT ALL….ITS ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DELIVERED UP FOR JUDGEMENT WHO WILL BE DECEIVED ,BECAUSE THEY NEVER WANTED TO RETAIN GOD IN THEIR UNDERSTANDING…..SO GOD HAS GIVEN THEM UP TO THEIR DELUSIONS……..GOD HAS A SOLUTION FOR THEM SHORTLY
Hope this is not a false propaganda attack against the first female black billonaire?cos if so, shame on the person that that posted this. Remember good name&sucess is dificult to build but destroying people’s name&effort is as easy as this. Rem she black,billonaire,hope this is not envy?but if u are right,then let’s leave GOD to judge her.
Guys what do u expect from an Illuminati member? But i think she has really lost it. Oprah,just because you are wealthy doesn’t make you GOD…..i think you should go FUCK yourself cos you are gonna loose your fans if this is truely for real.
END TIME IS NEAR……..
Is my name in that book of life? That’s me..o! This case looks a joke. But if not, Oprah can be prayed out! No one is thinking that; right? We want her to burn? Where’s our Master’s love y’all? Is Judgement what he taught us to do in a case as this? Hey, we’re not representing well. We know the inevitable, but focus on the achievable. Whoever doesn’t believe on Jesus is already condemned.. Yes, but he that wineth a soul is wise also. Careful! You may be judging yourself here. However, if it be true, guard your hearts with the ever-fading-from-the-world Sound Doctrine of the Gospel of Jesus. Oprah.. My sweet lovely Oprah ma, I will always love u.. Whatever I hear! But if its true, I yet pray for you; but do the battle of the mind in your deep spirit! Win!
Oprah what a shame dt ? forgot ur roots soo easily (GOD), I’m admonishin you to go back to GOD ur maker with remorse and plead for forgiveness cos ur place in HELL would be a castle burnin wiv fire..
What on earth made ? come up wiv dis? Run back to GOD a.s.a.a.p
Yes it finally makes perfect sense …..she was given wealth…fame…power by d devil ..and as u kw nothing goes 4nothing …its payback time..so shes simply paying back d devil with interest
This is obviously a joke…Oprah can’t do such, n for those of u dat said dat Africans believe anything shud beta hav a rethink befor an African man will deceive u…
Oprah to me has been hypnotized!!!! To b honest!!!! Someone is using her body as a tool and all we need do for her is Pray that the Devil dat took over her sets her free!!!! She needs our prayers not our curses, anger and Negative comments!! If we believe n Prayers then we should all pray that her soul will not go to the Devil but God!!! For all it’s worth she may not be aware of what she is doing as she is a vessel used by the Devil!!! My Prayers go out to you Oprah!!! U will be SAVED
We were all wondering who the Anti-Christ is, Its now clear before our eyes. Oprah, pls find somthing else to do with your life. Get married or something…..
Anybody realize that this is a joke
I tink oprah is so carried away wif d riches she has,oprah dear pls repent b4 its 2late,dnt invite d wrath of God upom urself cos he blessed d works of ur hands,u r nt God n cn neva b God
So she wanna be God huh? This world is truly comin to an end!! Lord hav mercy, oprah i pity ? cos ? gonna regret it 4 sure. Comparing urself wit God? ? gotta be kiddin, REPENT or face ur DOOM!!!
i fink she’s ungrateful of life… the gift of life God has given her she trying to take it wif all glory. Don’t judge her its not our duty. its Jesus Christ final judgement that counts
I’m amazed at the comments I’m reading here.Did u guys read thru the article or u skimmed thru?Oprah descending from the clouds?like really?u guys didn’t see that?
Dis is wat we kol collateral demage. She has totaly demage her lyf. May she realice dat and repent b/4 its too late
Hmmmm serzly???nawa °??°?°??° !!! ..@kayode yea gat to be kiddin meehn…
@sm1 twisted. ??L??O??O??Ô=D:D=));)O?Ô?ÔO??L?? at comment…infact ??? film ?????? ni video….
@sm1 twisted. ??L??O??O??Ô=D:D=));)O?Ô?ÔO??L?? at comment…infact ??? film ?????? ni video….
@sm1 twisted. ??L??O??O??Ô=D:D=));)O?Ô?ÔO??L?? at comment…infact ??? film ?????? ni video….
“He that hideth hatred with lying lips and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool”-Proverbs 10:18
“There are 6things d lord hates,7 are an abomination to him……..A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren”.-Proverbs 6:16-19.
The problem is not Oprah, the problem is with ‘You’ who chooses to believe a lie so easily and engage in slander.
I weep for Africa, its u I have yarns with. U are a complete fool, imbecile, idiot.I think you think wit ur legs. U gat no intelligence bt to run ur mouth like tsunami disaster. I weep to u cos u will be doomed. Fool
What a pity?, this is the beginning of your downfall. Remember, you cannot be equal with God
This is really sad but i’ll say i’m not shocked cos we are obviously in the end times. I really do hope Oprah gets to read a few of these comments from people that care about her. Personally i think this is all demonic, degrading and an abomination. Did u guys read the part of her giving people tv’s or something?(like electronics is now a part of religion). It’s obvious that money has clouded her senses and the devil has found a way into her. People let’s take this as a warning, the end times are here.